Better than a poke in the eye?

I didn't realise how conservative (please note the small 'c') I was until brewers started messing with pub names. After I have enforced world peace, and made being hungry illegal, my next act as global dictator will be to ban the re-naming of pubs. The only exceptions will be to allow hostelries suffering under travesties like 'Slug and Lettuce' to revert to their original names. They are, after all, the nation's history: we can re-examine it, re-interpret it but, Hollywood please take note, we should never re-write it.

But when it comes to eateries, especially those at the lower end of any scale of culinary sophistication, the British have long enjoyed humorous monikers. Fish and Chip shops glory in names like 'Chip off the Old Block' and 'The Plaice to Eat'. We just love to hate a pun. And the replacement of one letter with another is a great favourite. It sounds almost the same but that small difference has a big effect on the meaning. How about 'The Frying Scotsman' or 'Chip Ahoy'? (OK, I made that last one up but I bet it's out there somewhere.)

What I really like is local flavour. In Norfolk dialect, for example, here is pronounced hare so hairdressers have a field day with names such as 'Hair Now' and 'Hair to Impress'.

Culture, as well as language is, a factor in the naming of establishments. My nearest pub is on the edge of an estate that acts as a magnet for police cars and social workers. In the car park, under the pub sign, is a trailer-style fast food outlet whose name reflects the rough reputation of its hinterland. It took me a while to work out why it was called 'A Snack in the Mouth'. I hope, gentle reader, it takes you just as long.