School concerts and technology

Although perhaps I make it seem easy, in fact it is very hard to be critical of performers in school concerts. They are young, they are gaining experience and they are often surprisingly good. If they occasionally have nights they would prefer to forget then they are in very good company. Personally, and with good reason, I am very grateful for an increasing tendency towards forgetfulness.

I have railed against school concerts before: overly long and with a tendency to favour student inclusivity over audience sensibility. One thing I didn't mention back in December was the tyranny of technology. In this respect students are often either poorly advised or given insufficient support. Tracks off CDs can go on and on. Your Year 7 girls may have devised a great routine but can it really be stretched to fill the full five minutes of the track they've chosen to dance to? It may be worth explaining to them that what works on TV does so because of the close-ups, cut-aways, expert make-up and special effects. If the music is being performed live this situation does not arise. The music is tailored to fit the routine and not the other way around. I'm not against using pre-recorded tracks per se but with the technology available in most schools, and indeed in most homes, today it should be possible to make an edit to suit the length of the piece.

Ditto for singers. Kids do look very cute singing along to 'My Heart Will Go On' but, cheap laugh I know, the song goes on a bit too. And when it's sung thin, flat and through an over-loud PA with a microphone technique impaired by nervousness it can last forever. This is one song that needs to be pruned right back.

But things do seem to be improving. I saw an exhibition of street dance at a local secondary school earlier this week. It was short, snappy and high energy with a crisp, exciting edit that left even the non-partisan elements of the audience cheering enthusiastically. I don't know if the track was home made or off-the-shelf. Either way it appears someone has identified a need. It was a rare example of the dog wagging the tail. Let this be the future.

Why do birds sing?

Although I do enjoy the occasional dip into New Scientist, the great thing about having no attachment to empiricism myself is that I can happily entertain all kinds of crazy notions. For over twenty years now my partner and I have practised chakra chanting - singing tones into each of the seven energy points, or chakras, of the body (according to some eastern belief systems). We learned it from a charming old hippy who subsequently moved to a remote part of Wales. Apparently it is based on a north Indian Buddhist tradition, although we have modified it to suit ourselves, but I couldn't say for certain and for once I actually like knowing nothing for certain about its origins. I am happy to be free of any of the restrictions that come with dogma.

It makes us feel good but I doubt I could prove that. I have some vague idea that it's to do with vibrations and the fact that humans are largely made of water. We don't do it to attract mates or to warn others off our territory, although I know people who sing for at least the first of these reasons.

This morning I heard the wood pigeon in the picture calling from the roof of my studio. It put its whole body into it - a large sound for such a small creature - and followed up with a thorough preening session. I have reason to believe it was courting and, when another male pigeon arrived they shared the space peaceably for a while before the singer flew away. So, obviously not defending its territory then.

Could it be that some birds, in addition to whatever other reasons they may have, sing because it makes them feel good? Because it vibrates their molecules in a health-giving manner?

While photographing the pigeon I caught a rare glimpse of an urban woodpecker and that was enough to make me feel good.

Mum-um-um

This is a way of getting reluctant singers, especially young children, to activate their vocal cords. First you need to get them humming. If you anticipate resistance even here then break the ice by treating them to your impression of a refrigerator and ask them to name them the familiar household item you are pretending to be. Obviously, if they are unfamiliar with fridges you'll have to think of something else. Before you head off down a tangent, invite them to try their own refrigerator impression.

By now everyone should be humming. Try getting them to explore the tingling feeling in their lips. If they can't feel any tingling ask them to smile and, at the same time, hold their lips together less tightly, so they are just touching. Now see if they can move the sound up into their nose for a more nasal tone. And down into their throat – is it less buzzy on the lips down there? Humming at a higher pitch can help bring the sound into the head, a lower pitch can bring it naturally into the chest.

All this, useful as it is, is just to distract them so they are willing to attempt the next step. By now they should be happy to copy whatever you are doing. As you hum and smile, let your lips part for a moment, making a mummmm sound. Repeat this action: mum-mum-mum and so on, on a single out-breath. If your students are copying you then they are singing. Before you share the fact with, try the following escalation.

Instead of just opening your mouth slightly to make a mum sound, make longer mah-mmah-mmah sounds. The mouth should alternate between open and shut in a steady and even rhythm. Make a big show of opening your mouth wide and closing it again. Your students will naturally copy this, some more emphatically than others, and now you can tell them what wonderful singers they are. A simple song for them to sing would be a good way of consolidating your gains at this point.

Don't dwell on any stage of this activity. As soon as you think they are getting it move on quickly. Time in which to become self-conscious will be stop the flow and scupper your efforts.

Christian rock

Is there a worse genre? I am talking here not about rock played by Christians, of which there are plenty of fine examples from Elvis onwards, but about rock as a vehicle for the Christian message. Now I know there are always exceptions but frankly I can't call any to mind at present. Maybe this is because I have just been subjected to Primary aged children singing Bethlehem Rock, turning my brain to mush. I'm afraid it really brings out the bah-humbug in me. (More on school concerts after the obligatory 24hr cooling off period.)

Christianity has given rise to a vast amount of wonderful music over the centuries and the tradition continues. Tallis, Handel, Bach, Mozart and Tavener have all turned their hand to it. And there is a host of moving and rousing hymns and carols. Why not get the kids singing some of these? Songwriters in more recent times have had fun with the secular side of Christmas to good effect, often using rock'n'roll as a vehicle.

But rock'n'roll is music born of angst and the need to party. When it hit the news in the 50s it was called the Devil's music and it had horns. It can't be sanitised, or have religious lyrics set to it, and then be passed off as a viable alternative to the real thing. Only a brain-dead youth could even pretend to like that. It's the equivalent of Satanists writing pastiches of Barry Manilow tunes. At least, when torturing teenagers, they have the sense to use it in its pure and unadulterated form. Time is the only known cure for adolescent angst. No one can hope to woo the young away from 'the dark side' with Christian rock. The only ones who'll come aren't worth wooing.